Notes from an inexperienced Seattle chili
taster named Frank who was visiting Texas:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last minute and I
happened to be standing there at the judges' table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These
hicks are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbeque?) with a hint of pork. Slight
JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbeque flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver
while I shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
FRANK: This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA, I've
located a !?#@%~#@*_#! uranium spill! My nose feels like
I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest.
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